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Back again so soon

Posted on 2012.07.18 at 02:49
Current Music: The Feel Again(Stay)/ Blue October
Once again I am up late. But not as late as yesterday...yet. I wish I could just sleep but between the anxious thoughts and my stomach hurting from acid reflux, here I am.
Just a quick side note/thoughts, etc. I have been having problems with acid reflux for almost 2 weeks now and it is getting really irritating. I feel like I always have one stomach problem after another. Though I am certain it is all because of my anxiety.
Speaking of which, I skipped therapy today. We will see about going back.
Also woke up today and noticed my boobs are bigger. What?? Seriously...what the hell?? Why are they bigger all of a sudden? I am going to chalk it up to my period is soon. But it is really pestering me and making me nervous. I do not want bigger boobs dammit! And I do not want to have something else wrong with me.
Now to get onto the real stuff.

You mean so much to me. You came into my life suddenly and instantly swept me off my feet. I've never been able to place my feelings for you because I've never felt for anyone else how I feel for you. It makes me question feelings I once had and want to explore these new ones more. I thought it may have to do with that dreaded 'L' word (well, dreaded to me). I wasn't even ready to love with the last boy. And then I learned not to trust again. And everything is still so new. And yet I cannot help but feel whatever feelings it is I have for you. I care about you so much and feel I would do anything. I cannot picture you not in my life. And yet you have only been in it a couple of months. I feel crazy. Of course..I always feel crazy. Then the other day you said you loved me. And I froze. It excited me but scared the shit out of me. I am scared to trust that much. I am scared to say it back and be that vulnerable. I am so terrified, you know that? I cannot go through what I just went through. I want to fully trust you but I am so scared. Especially since my anxiety still seems to big such a big problem. Ugh. I feel so confused. I feel like I know where all my emotions should be placed but its new and confusing. And I want to talk it all out with you but I am terrible at serious conversations..especially ones I've never had. I stare at you longing to say words. To say everything I just did. But the anxiety holds me back and then I just continue to stare..then feel awkward..then make a face to divert the attention. I just feel impossible sometimes.

I feel so broken and I just want to be fixed.

Why be with someone who is so broken? Why help fix them? Why not wait till they are fixed? Or be with someone who isn't so broken?

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