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dreaming
Posted on 2013.03.09 at 01:39
It's scary how much I hate people. I lost a lot of friends in the past year for many different reasons. Recently I stopped talking to someone who I thought was a friend who turned out to be an insane jerk. I've given up speaking to a friend who seems to want to hide who they hang out with. I have another friend who I grow more and more tired of. I do not know why, we are pretty close. But lately he is on my nerves. There is an old friend who I thought I wanted to reconnect with, but I don't. There is this group of people who I claim are my friends but I hate every single one of them because they are stubborn and stuck in the past. They do nothing but spew complaints about stupid shit.
There is only one person I can truly call my friend. She knows who she is. I love her like a sister. I miss her everyday since we live in different countries.
And then I have my boyfriend. Who is amazing in every way. Sometimes I just let my own anxieties get in the way and its extremely frustrating.
I wish constantly that I didn't feel so broken all the time. I was doing pretty good for awhile. Slowly but surely my anxieties have begun to creep up again and tonight was just kind of a tipping point again.
A very small part of me wishes I had friends. But most of me is really happy since I hate so many people and feel like I cannot trust any.
I know I put a lot on my boyfriend since he is all I have. And I know its rough. But sometimes I can't help it, I just feel so lonely. Especially because he doesn't share the anxieties that I do. I love that he is so confident and not insecure at all. I've been with too many broken people like myself and it is just unhealthy. But it is so hard not having someone around who understands. Especially when he hates to be around me when I get "emotional." I hate all the terms he has for me when I feel anxious. He never uses anxious. Like today he called and asked if I was feeling "sensitive." It just seems so degrading. Ugh.

I just don't know what to do right now. My head is spinning on what might make me feel better. But I'm just not sure.

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