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Posted on 2013.03.09 at 01:39
It's scary how much I hate people. I lost a lot of friends in the past year for many different reasons. Recently I stopped talking to someone who I thought was a friend who turned out to be an insane jerk. I've given up speaking to a friend who seems to want to hide who they hang out with. I have another friend who I grow more and more tired of. I do not know why, we are pretty close. But lately he is on my nerves. There is an old friend who I thought I wanted to reconnect with, but I don't. There is this group of people who I claim are my friends but I hate every single one of them because they are stubborn and stuck in the past. They do nothing but spew complaints about stupid shit.
There is only one person I can truly call my friend. She knows who she is. I love her like a sister. I miss her everyday since we live in different countries.
And then I have my boyfriend. Who is amazing in every way. Sometimes I just let my own anxieties get in the way and its extremely frustrating.
I wish constantly that I didn't feel so broken all the time. I was doing pretty good for awhile. Slowly but surely my anxieties have begun to creep up again and tonight was just kind of a tipping point again.
A very small part of me wishes I had friends. But most of me is really happy since I hate so many people and feel like I cannot trust any.
I know I put a lot on my boyfriend since he is all I have. And I know its rough. But sometimes I can't help it, I just feel so lonely. Especially because he doesn't share the anxieties that I do. I love that he is so confident and not insecure at all. I've been with too many broken people like myself and it is just unhealthy. But it is so hard not having someone around who understands. Especially when he hates to be around me when I get "emotional." I hate all the terms he has for me when I feel anxious. He never uses anxious. Like today he called and asked if I was feeling "sensitive." It just seems so degrading. Ugh.

I just don't know what to do right now. My head is spinning on what might make me feel better. But I'm just not sure.

Posted on 2013.02.26 at 01:51
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It's crazy to think these interactions just happened last year with you. That we were best friends. Or so I thought. During this time little did I know, at the time, that you were saying hurtful and untruthful things behind my back.

And then this popped up 5 months ago.

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What the hell? I mean..what am I suppose to think when I see that? You actually miss being friends? Even though you really didn't seem to like me in the end.

We were really good friends for awhile. Why did you talk shit behind my back? I wish we could go back to when things were good, when were actually best friends. (If that was ever so). But even if we both tried, I don't think I could ever trust you again. I guess what could I expect when you lie to your own boyfriend whom you claim to be so in love with?

I am bitter because I still don't have a best friend (not on in NYC anyway) and I do not feel like I could trust another friend. Who is to say they won't end up just like you and say really hurtful things behind my back?

I do realize I posted about moving on recently. And I am working on it. I've never really "moved on" before. I've always looked forward but been very fond of holding onto my past as well. But I've been letting a lot go and I've been very willing to throw things away and delete things that I truly feel do not matter anymore.

I think my biggest problem is I never got closure. You just cut me off from being friends without ever saying why. I found out about the back talking from others after we were no longer friends. The only other interactions we had was forced through work. We managed to be surprisingly civil for two very hot-headed individuals. Just recently I was in the shop though and you wouldn't even look at me. Why? What the hell did I do? Why was I made out to be the bad guy?
I know I did some terrible stuff. But not to you. I was nothing but a good friend to you. I just don't understand it and that is what drives me mad. I just wish I knew why you hated me so much.

I want to reach out for closure but wonder if it would really worth it. Yet you plague my brain still. Almost a year later and I still cannot help but wonder what happened to us as friends.


Creativity and Hormones

Posted on 2013.02.25 at 22:22
I've been feeling really creative lately; I've been wanting to draw, write, organize, do anything that I can do get some creative energy out. I just cannot seem to concentrate it. I write some here and there and I think of a lot of things. I'm just having a hard time actually turning it into anything. I like that I have the feeling of being creative. Jeez...I really want a job.

Also..wtf is up with all the ex's of sorts? Two days of weird drunk texts and then today an exboyfriend was texting me. Am I sending off some weird vibe? I am more in love with my boyfriend than I've ever been. There is not a chance in hell that I would leave him.



Posted on 2013.02.20 at 21:49
I am constantly on the fence about making friends. I do get bored and I wish I had someone more to talk to than my boyfriend sometimes. It seems like a nice thing when I think about it in fantasy. Yet I feel conflicted because I feel like I can trust no one. I want guy friends so bad because guys are cool and they will play video games with me. Yet I cannot seem to make a guy friend who thinks I want to be more than just friends. Though I would take them any day of the week over most of the girls I've made friends with in my life. Girls lie. Constantly. I just do not get it! They lie about their lives, what they do, about you, about who they hang out with. It's crazy! If you want to be my friend, don't say shit behind my back and please don't hang out with my ex and not tell me, it's stupid. Arg! Girls always end up being so weird and full of shit. I hate it! Isn't there another real girl out there like me?? I am sure there has to be! And I do know some. But I would like to know one in NYC. Of course..where the hell do you meet friends?? Making friends just seems absurd. Why did these girls I made friends with have to end up being bitches? It left me with no friends and a lack of trust in people.


Moving forward

Posted on 2013.02.06 at 00:10
I've posted to this journal for years..or rather I use to and fell out of it as I grew older. I've posted highs and lows, childhood dreams, loves had and lost, feelings on my past, my friends, my family, I've posted things as mundane as "I went to class today, blah, blah, blah" to letters to people who will never receive them. A lot of posts have been sad. Problems with my anxiety and depression, about how my family is a mess or how I am upset with friends or my love life or how I am not where I want to be in life. For years I've been this person constantly dwelling on the past. On those people who have effected my throughout my life, in good and bad ways. I've never been the kind of person to just let go and I've never known why. I am the master of holding grudges and never forgetting. Even as I've gotten older and become and adult, I haven't acted much like it. I will admit, at least in high school, I was always known as that kid who was "mature for their age." Just because I didn't go around to parties and getting into trouble never meant I was mature for my age. I was forced to grow up quicker than I had liked due to family issues. But that didn't make me "mature." I've always been a silly kid. I've mad tons of bad decisions. Do I regret things though? Never. While I did some really, really stupid things--those are the things that have made me who I am today. And I know I am not perfect, or even maybe the best kind of person, but I wouldn't change anything. This is me moving on, moving forward, and stop looking back. I will still never forget my past and where it got me, but I will no longer dwell on it or the people who existed in it. Now I know at the moment I will not be completely moving on, it is a process. A really hard process that will still mean possibly cutting more people out of my life because I know we cannot be friends. It will mean growing up more, acting like an adult, and getting over my fears. And believe me, I have so many fears. I use to be a fearless kid, unemotional in a way and didn't let things get to me. In the past couple years I've broken down and let a lot out that I had been holding in for years. I almost let it destroy me. But I didn't. And I continued to wallow even though the thick of it was over. I've still been stuck in a rut, even with greatness around me. I've let me anxiety run my life. But I won't let it anymore. I am taking charge now. I refuse to let it bring me down again. I want to be happy. If my anxiety ends up being something out of my control, as I have feared for some time, I will get over a lesser fear of going to a doctor and getting medication. I have one particular person in my life who makes me happier than I thought anyone would ever be able to do and I do not want my anxiety ever getting in the way of us.
So here it is, me letting go...
Goodbye stories of my father. Goodbye to the secrets my family has kept from me about you. I do not care what kind of many they knew you as and you apparently were, I did not know you as that. I knew you as a loving man. I saw the love you had for me. I do not care that you did not show it with money through child support. You showed it to me through playing games with me, smiling and laughing with me, and giving me spirituality. Who cares if you were a sociopath? Chances are I am kind of one too. And will I let that bother me anymore? No. It is who I am. I care for those I care for and would do anything for them. Fuck the rest. And who cares that there is some big secret that my mother and brothers are keeping from me? Fuck it. It doesn't matter. On top of that, goodbye resentment to my mother for never telling me.
Goodbye to any resentment I've held towards my family for keeping any kind of secrets from me and letting me be the last to know, like I am a child. I don't care. There are many good memories to go with the bad and I will focus on them. If you want me help, ask for it. But do not just let it go in one ear and out the other. I love my family, even if we are broken. Who cares?
Goodbye past boyfriends and the hell I feel some of you put me through.
Goodbye to past friends and the shit holes you put me in for ever trusting you.
Goodbye to not ever feeling good enough ever because of friends and boyfriends and anyone else who ever tried knocking me down. Fuck all of you. I have passion and drive and I won't let anyone tell me I'm not good enough.
Goodbye to a certain someone that I've hated for years because of the absolute hell you put me through for forcing yourself on me when I didn't want it.
Most of all, goodbye anxiety. I no longer want to deal with you. More than anyone else, you've tried to ruin my life. And I am done with it.

I am ready to be carefree, happy, and just be me. Good and bad. I just want to smile and laugh and feel good. I am tired or crying and feeling bad all the time.

It's going to take some time to fully get through a few things, but it will happen. I will cut those fakes out of my life. I will make new friends. I don't know what to do with some family problems yet, but what will happen will happen. And no matter what, I am dating the best guy in the world who also has a great family who care. In the end, he is all I need to help me be strong.

Posted on 2012.08.16 at 14:39
I constantly dwell on the past. Even if I have no regrets. I think of how things use to be and wonder how I got to this point.
I keep thinking about how school is starting soon and I don't have my summer work done.
My apartment seems to be a constant mess. I just hide in my room these days.

All this stuff sinks in and my anxiety rises.

And I know everything has simple fixes but I just fall apart with my anxiety.

Ugh. I am so over all these problems. Or rather, the one main problem.


Back again so soon

Posted on 2012.07.18 at 02:49
Current Music: The Feel Again(Stay)/ Blue October
Once again I am up late. But not as late as yesterday...yet. I wish I could just sleep but between the anxious thoughts and my stomach hurting from acid reflux, here I am.
Just a quick side note/thoughts, etc. I have been having problems with acid reflux for almost 2 weeks now and it is getting really irritating. I feel like I always have one stomach problem after another. Though I am certain it is all because of my anxiety.
Speaking of which, I skipped therapy today. We will see about going back.
Also woke up today and noticed my boobs are bigger. What?? Seriously...what the hell?? Why are they bigger all of a sudden? I am going to chalk it up to my period is soon. But it is really pestering me and making me nervous. I do not want bigger boobs dammit! And I do not want to have something else wrong with me.
Now to get onto the real stuff.

You mean so much to me. You came into my life suddenly and instantly swept me off my feet. I've never been able to place my feelings for you because I've never felt for anyone else how I feel for you. It makes me question feelings I once had and want to explore these new ones more. I thought it may have to do with that dreaded 'L' word (well, dreaded to me). I wasn't even ready to love with the last boy. And then I learned not to trust again. And everything is still so new. And yet I cannot help but feel whatever feelings it is I have for you. I care about you so much and feel I would do anything. I cannot picture you not in my life. And yet you have only been in it a couple of months. I feel crazy. Of course..I always feel crazy. Then the other day you said you loved me. And I froze. It excited me but scared the shit out of me. I am scared to trust that much. I am scared to say it back and be that vulnerable. I am so terrified, you know that? I cannot go through what I just went through. I want to fully trust you but I am so scared. Especially since my anxiety still seems to big such a big problem. Ugh. I feel so confused. I feel like I know where all my emotions should be placed but its new and confusing. And I want to talk it all out with you but I am terrible at serious conversations..especially ones I've never had. I stare at you longing to say words. To say everything I just did. But the anxiety holds me back and then I just continue to stare..then feel awkward..then make a face to divert the attention. I just feel impossible sometimes.

I feel so broken and I just want to be fixed.

Why be with someone who is so broken? Why help fix them? Why not wait till they are fixed? Or be with someone who isn't so broken?


Long time no post

Posted on 2012.07.17 at 04:14
I believe it has been a couple of years since I've posted on this journal. Once my schedule became more crazy after high school I started posting less and less. And with facebook, twitter and tumble, who needs a journal, yeah? Just kidding. I just fell out of the habit some how. Yet so much more has gone on in my life than it ever has. Most of the old entries I go read are very pointless. I cannot help but wonder why I felt the need to update about nothing and yet when larger things are going on I just don't think about my journal. For awhile I posted anonymously on another journal but didn't really keep up with that either. So why here and now? Because it is really late and I've had bad insomnia for over a week now and I just felt it was a good idea to get some thoughts out. I guess it really started with looking back on some people who were in my life not too long ago-- looking at their twitters and such.
It is interesting to think about these people and how they were once so important in my life. I gave them so much importance. The best of the best. Best friend, boyfriend, etc. And yet I wasn't really happy when they were in my life. For awhile I suppose I was but things went downhill pretty quick. I turned on some and others turned on me. I truly learned who is friends and what peoples true intentions are. It is sad to think that so many people think so little of others. Or that some people are so scared to really voice how they feel.
I realize some people (like myself) can be intimidating because I am so abrasive. It may be true that I really do not want to know how you feel. I do realize it can be really scary to put yourself out there. Wow..I just realized I am going off on so many things at once. It is really hard to focus at this hour. Or ever, for me really. I always feel all over the place. But that is another subject entirely! Okay..time to start over...
Then I find myself brain dead on where to start..hmm..

Before I moved to NY I was fuck buddies with a friend of mine. I enjoyed his company so much at the time because he was the complete opposite of the terrible relationship I had just come out of. He curbed my anxiety some and was always optimistic. Of course I never expected or wanted things to last because I was moving to the big city. A place I felt I could start over. A place where I expected to meet new people. Yet I kept him in my life. Still meeting new people and kind of starting over. But never seeing new people romantically. Though I tried a couple times. So I said the hell with it, that I would just give the relationship thing a try again. And because of expenses, moved in together. He seemed to keep his last apartment decent. And we were friends..or rather boyfriend and girlfriend at this point I suppose. So I moved in for stupid (and selfish reasons). The last thing I wanted to do was find a roommate and I needed once. Convenience and affordability, smart reasons to live with someone right? I figured things would just work themselves out. Silly me. He was not easy to live with. Not that he was a terrible person. Just terribly unobservant in every single way. And really careless. And a list of other things that made him not pleasant to live with. But I thought I would tough it out.
Then there is this other person I let into my life. Mind you, I am not good at making friends. I've had the same best friend since 6th grade and most of my other friends have come and gone (minus a couple others--all back home in Texas though). I opened myself up to this girl. Instant best friends. Talked about everything. Shared with each other. Took in each other interests. Perfect, yeah? A friend that was too good to be true. One minor fight over something stupid and we moved on. Great! Then there was the break up with the boyfriend. And because of kind of silly reasons she was mad. But we talked it out again and things looked good. And then she just stopped talking to me. What?? No real reasons. And then from others I find out for months she has been talking shit behind my back. Telling people lies about me and telling them about my personal life. My shit on display for everyone to see on top of some lies making me seem extra terrible.
What I am getting at is that it is so strange to look back (even if this was just months ago) and think about how things were. How I tried so hard to be normal I guess. Dating someone, best friends, all of us were friends. It all just seemed too good...because it was. And I am sure both of these people would still throw me under the bus. And that is fine. I know I am not a great person. But I also know I am not as terrible as they think. And they sure as hell aren't as wonderful as they think they are. But yes..strange to look back on it. To think that was my life for awhile..with those people. With some other people too. And yet I was having the shittiest time of my life. A time where I hit rock bottom.

And here I am now..with barely any friends, but one great boyfriend. And things are strange and I still feel like I am adjusting some. But it is great. I feel so much better than I did then. And it feels more real. Of course I am skeptical because of my past now. But I am really hopeful. That maybe shit is done for once in my life and I can truly enjoy things. I am trying to not be on edge. But the thoughts do creep up.

But because of my hopefulness I cannot help but wonder where my life is going. And what people will be there.

I feel like life moves so fast. I feel like I haven't had time to enjoy it since..well since I was a kid probably. I feel like it has been one bad thing after another (not that there were not small good things in between). I hope this isn't a small good thing in between. I hope this lasts. Things just feel different now. In some aspects anyway.

My anxiety is down but still around. I cannot figure out why I still feel so anxious all the time. Perhaps just because I am scared it will all fall apart again. And I know I won't be able to handle it if it does. I haven't built myself back up. Nor am I certain I could after a lifetime of being broken down and so little recovery time.

As I type this I kind of laugh at myself since I said I really do not want to go to my next therapy session. I am suppose to be calling a new place and going. And I haven't. And I don't want to. And part of me knows I should. The more I think about it, the more I have to work through, especially if I want to get to a good place. I need my anxiety and depression down and my trust up. But in all honesty, I'm not ready. I am not ready to touch on my past. It has been haunting me for so long and I felt like I needed to get it out. And I started to. And now I don't want to. Can't I just go back to forgetting everything? I know it may not be healthy. But I cannot help but just think that I am not ready. And I know I need to be pushed sometimes because otherwise I will never get things done. But I just do not want to sit in an office with basically a stranger and talk about my life, my past and my feelings. I want to go back to enjoying the moment and forgetting the shit.

There is so much to be scared of because of the uncertainty of people and life. But life happens. There is no choice but to continue on. I am scared as hell right now because of so many things but I am just trying to push through every day. I am trying to enjoy the little things even if some shit keeps trying to creep up.

Of course, in the end, I just want this damn anxiety to go away. But perhaps I can go back to trying on my own. And maybe with a little help with someone close to me.


What's next?

Posted on 2010.06.09 at 11:50
Lets start with A-kon, because that is easy. While at first there was some confusion on driving arrangements and such, everything got worked out. Sarah and her mom in one car and Anthony and I in another so when Sunday rolled around, we wouldn't be without a ride home from the wedding. Which thank god I took my car. Plus Anthonys car probably wouldn't have made it. lol. While slightly disappointed that tradition was broken and thinking about driving that many hours, I still enjoyed the drive. It went by quick. Surprisingly Anthony stayed awake the whole time and we had a good time chatting and listening to music.
Friday there was alright. Just wondered around the con. Not really a whole lot going on. But it was so nice being there none-the-less. Friends and no work, what more could I ask for??
The band there was absolutely awful! lol. We had a good time making fun of them though! Sad times when there isn't a good band to listen to. That is one of the main reasons for me going! Not that there are not other fun things to do.
Saturday was fun. There was an H.Naoto panel. Not the most exciting thing. But I did learn some fun information. I hated the booth being there. I mean, I loved it because I love their clothes. But they were still so far out of my price range! T-T I hate being poor!! I did invest in a small Hangry keychain though. Yay! Also later that day I bought a really cute Hello Kitty shirt. That and a couple of pins for my sbux hat and that was it for me spending money. That was kind a relief. There wasn't really a lot I liked this year. Less and less tNBC stuff every year. Oh well. I was also very excited to play Battle Tech again!! Especially since I didn't get last and Anthony did. YAY THIRD PLACE. lol. That and hanging out with friends was about it for the weekend.
Not the most exciting A-kon, but I still had a good time.
Had to leave early Sunday to get to Danay & Craigs wedding. Sarah ended up bailing and Anthony couldn't join me because he didn't expect to so he didn't have clothes for it. It was a nice wedding. Small, short, kind of casual. The actual wedding was outside. Luckily they supplied us with fans. The reception was really easy going. Ran into people from school. Not my favourite thing, but it wasn't too bad and I was excited to tell them I will probably never see any of them again XDD I'm awful sometimes. Best wishes to Danay & Craig. I love them both so much!

Not much else going on really. Lots of work. Going to San An tomorrow for my braces.

Still working on turning everything in for my ticket. I plan on doing that today actually.

Still lots of financial stuff to work out for College. Ugh. I am really not good with all this! Wish I had someone to do it all for me. I don't even really have help. My mom gives me "I don't know" "Ask your counselor" etc. Sigh. I really wish I didn't feel so alone in all this sometimes! I really get sick of trying to figure out everything on my own. But I suppose it is what makes me stronger. But also really confused and stressed out most of the time!!
NY is so close and yet it feels like forever till I will be there. Especially since orientation is Sept 3 and not Aug 28 like I thought. Just hearing September makes it seem longer!! As much as I am enjoying my friends it is tempting to make a temporary move up north somewhere considering I know people in VA, DC, and MD. Seems silly to move for a couple of months just to move again and I would like to celebrate my birthday with friends and family. But at the same time I want out of here so bad!! I am getting impatient.

Lots of other random thoughts going through my head lately about friends, family, and my future. Well, future family and friends wise. lol. Not sure how much detail I really feel like going into. I see my future being very alone. Not that I fear that or have a problem with it. I just can't see myself getting married. It is an odd thought I feel like sometimes since society and history show lots and lots of marriage. Yet I can't help but picture myself lost in my job. Not that I won't go on dates and such. But marriage is just a giant "I don't know" I get this feeling that God will play some sort of cruel trick on me; That I will find Mr. Right and be so happy and head over heels in love, etc, etc....and then he will want kids. Ugh. How miserable would that be? That would be my luck. Eh. It is whatever.
I am really just excited at the moment to be going to an awesome school and getting a start on my career. No need to worry about things that haven't happened and that I had no real idea on.
There are more things scrambling around in my head but I am starting to feel lazy again and don't feel like continuing this update. Maybe another time soon.

Posted on 2010.06.09 at 01:06
So much to update about.
So little energy.
Maybe one day soon journal.

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