Director

I spent the weekend in Houston because my grandparents came to town and it was Bens birthday. Marc and I drove down Friday evening and left Sunday evening. It was almost all great. Friday evening it just felt great to be around everyone. Saturday was when we were celebrating Bens birthday. So many people were over! All was going pretty well...then Celeste had an outburst. I don't feel much like going into details, but in short, she feels like every weekend we get together, that she is watching everyones kids, but this time Carson pushed one of her kids off the step. The real problems started when she came back in and Carson was balling and holding his chin. Everyone thought she did something to Carson and she was mad that people accused her of that, as well as the whole push, and watching the kids all the time. So she made Ben leave and stormed out. It was crazy. Then it seemed like the whole family turned on her, and all of a sudden, Amber was an angel...even though its usually the other way around. Either way, it was crazy and I hated it. Sunday was a LOT of fun though. I spent most of the day in the pool with Marc and my mom and had a blast.

Monday night Marc decided to drive to Austin after he closed at work. I wasn't thrilled and wanted him to stay, but he went. I was suppose to go on Weds, but I decided to leave yesterday evening and didn't mention it to him. Now he's super upset and thinks he can't trust me and all this stuff. It's crazy. I'm not too happy about this situation myself.
Living together hasn't gone to well so far. And after events today, I'm really thinking about my life. Because this isn't where I want to be, and I'm starting to feel really unhappy. I always told myself I would do my own thing, and no one would stop me. But I let the school of my dreams turn me down and then compromised by moving here. I'm starting to wake up and wonder how I just gave up. I don't feel like myself, and haven't for awhile. I love Marc, and don't want to break up with him, but I miss my dreams. I want to go to NY, I want to major in theatre, NOT psychology. Sure, I like the subject, it's interesting and I enjoy it, but it isn't my passion. I decided to look up more schools, and try to give another one I chance. And now I think I may have really found the perfect school for me right smack dab in the middle of NY, NY. I really want to go. But I don't want to leave Marc. But I don't want to give up on my dreams and I am tired of putting them to the side. I'm torn on what to do. I wish someone could tell me what the best thing to do would be. I wish God would just give me a hint. For now, since I'm enrolled here, I am going to go through with the semester, no use in missing another semester of school. But at this new school, you can transfer at any semester, so I may look into it. I just don't know yet. It seems like a hard, yet easy decision. I still haven't talk to Marc since I got home, other than texts, because he's a work. Living with him is not really working out for me though. I hasn't sine the beginning, but I said I'd continue to give it a chance. Things still aren't too good. I just don't think I can handle living with another person yet, I still need time to learn to live on my own. All of this is "we'll see" situations and it's driving me nuts. I hope I can work this all out soon. I will talk to Marc when he gets home, then I think I'm going to call my mom tomorrow and see what she says. I don't think she will give me the right advice, but I'm hoping something she will say will really help. I feel so lost and just want to get back on the right path for me.

I can't even begin to remember the last time I posted in my journal. At first I wasn't updating because I was busy. But it became a habit not to update that even when my schedule freed up I still didn't update. And so much has happened! I hate that I don't have all of it in here, and I won't.

I had an accident awhile back. I missed a stop sign because it was behind a pink bush/tree thing. I swerved to get out of the way as much as a could, and to also avoid hitting his drivers side and Marc's side of the car (since he was riding with me). I hit his trunk. I took off my bumped, shattered a headlight, and bent part of my frame. I had to drive my old truck around for weeks until I got my car back. Even when I got it back, some of electrics weren't working. I finally got them fixed right before I moved. Bringing me to my next subject...

I have now moved to San Antonio. I'm living with Marc. Man was it stressful at first. There were all kinds of arrangements that got mixed up with how I was getting here. In the end, Nick and his nephew helped me move. They left the very next day, a few days later my mom came up to help us clean and decorate. We didn't finish, but we got a LOT done. The house looks much better. During the time she was here and for about another week it seemed like Marc and I were at each others throats. x_x. Moving in was much more stressful on us than I imagined. Things are better between us now though. We've gotten comfortable with each other and just take it one day at a time.

I'm not a fan of my new store I'm working at yet. It's small. I'm not comfortable around any of my coworkers yet. I've been trying to work on it, but I still feel like the odd man out. I'm also not fond of the way they run things. But I will adjust, I have to adjust. I'm also getting very few hours, which is killing me in my bank area. I've been watching the numbers disappear because of moving expenses, living expenses, the accident, and just not getting enough cash flow in from work. Ugh.

Things also haven't been too great lately because my friends have been nonexistent. We hung out with a couple of Marcs friends the other day, but they just aren't my kind of people and I didn't too much enjoy it. I enjoy another couple of his friends, but they don't have a lot of free time and I'm not comfortable with them without Marc. Were going to hang out with a couple from his work on Tues, I'm hoping that goes really well. But no matter what, I miss my friends. Santis phone has been disconnected, so I don't know what's up with him at all. Phils phone is always off. Sandra has been busy, but is moving to Austin soon, so that is something, but not as much as I'm looking for. Sarah has also been busy, I was hoping she could visit, but it doesn't look like it. Sigh. I thought I would be fine here without any friends but I have been getting really bored sine I don't have a lot of hours at work and Marc does.

So moving hasn't been too great yet, but I'm hoping it will look up soon. And school starts before too long.

This upcoming weekend I'm going home because my grandparents are coming into town and we are celebrating Bens birthday. The weekend after that Marcs parents are coming into town for his cousins wedding. Then in mid August I'm coming into town to celebrate my mom and Is birthday.

I went to the greatest concert of my life thus far on Saturday night. I had been so excited about it since I heard about it. Miyavi.ComingToHouse. OMG. I couldn't believe it, it seemed way to good be true! Well, really it started with Fri and his Q&A. The questions were mostly dumb and upsetted me, but Miyavi was adorable anyway and fun to watch. The concert, OMG amazing! He put on a hell of a show and is entertaining through it all! Not to mention he did like 3 encores! He also sang one of my favourite songs (Coo Quack Kluck) and made me love his new songs. I got his most recent CD and I am in love with it. BOOM-HAH-BOOM-HAH-HAH is great, but sooooo much better in concert! What A Wonderful World is really good. I also like JPN Pride and 21st Century Blues. It's different than his normal stuff but you still get the feel for Miyavi. There were people I wanted to kill at the concert, especially after getting annoyed with them in line while we waited like 2 extra hours! But that didn't stop me from loving every minute of this concert. Oh and the shock of learning about his marriage and that he's going to have a baby! I'm so excited for him! And his new label!! He's on a great track (not that he wasn't before)

Fav. Band: Blue October
Fav. Artist: Miyavi

WOO!

Oh, and I'd been fretting about not being able to get Buzzfest tickets for weeks now (Blue October among some other good bands are going to be there) but after Miyavis concert I can't imagine going to another concert anytime soon. I just wish I could stay at the concert and relive it over and over T-T As I do many memories. I'm sick of school, school work, and work. It's all so aggravating! And so are people! But I'm SOOOO happy for Sarahs chance to go to school and Japan and the fact that I will be moving in with Marc in 2 months! This summer is going to be bittersweet but I think I'm going to really enjoy it. I just wish my summer entailed another Miyavi concert or a big vacation to somewhere not here. lol.

I spent the weekend in San Antonio and loved every minute of it! My mom took the trip with me because her friend, Becca, lives just one town over and she wanted to spend the weekend there. That meant the drive went much faster because I had someone else to talk to. We left Thursday afternoon around 4. We hung out at the La Cantera mall until Becca was done shopping at Costco and could pick her up. I picked up a few essentials there.
Then to Marcs! I suppose I got there around 9-9:30. Not much time to do anything that night so we just kicked back, relaxed, and watched TV. Oh! He surprised me with the new Fox and the Hound DVD (since I never got it on VHS as a kid)!
Slept in a bit the next morning and then went to the Green Tea Cafe for lunch. I love that place so much! The food is good and healthy! Normally after that we go to Minnano, the Japanese grocery store, but it seemed to be gone BUT they moved it right next door the the cafe in a bigger location! YAY! So we picked up snacks and drinks and headed back to the house. There we looked at movie times and just hung out until it was time to go to the movie. We saw Duplicity. It was okay, worth the watch, but not great. There were too many twists in it, but the editing and acting was good. After that we played some animal machines in the theatre. I won a penguin from Madagascar and Marc won Insectasaur from Monsters vs. Aliens. The rest of the night was spent relaxing and watching movies and TV.
Sat was Zoo day! It was soooooo much fun! I haven't been to the zoo in forever! We were there for 4 hours. lol. We each bought each other a plushie of the favourite animal we saw that day. I got an aardvark for Marc and he got me a cotton-top tamarin (monkey!). All the monkeys and big kitties were so cute! Though most of the kitties were sleeping. The bats were adorable! The hippos were freaking awesome, even if they kept pooping XDD It was such a fun time and great day :DD
Later that night we went out to eat with Audrey and Mike to Osaka Steak House. The yakisoba there was sooo good. Then to coldstone for dessert. Then I caved and Marc and I got an Xbox360 and Street Fighter 4. lol. We spent the rest of the night playing that XDD It's actually really hard! x_x They changed a lot so the moves are harder, but more awesome and the graphics kick so much ass!
Sun, the day to leave :( Slept in. When we got up we went out for lunch at a mexican restaurant, it was pretty good. Then back to the house for street fighter until my mom was ready to go. Then on our way home. The drive back was sooooo much quicker!
I seriously had a great weekend!
Anime Matsuri in a couple of weeks! YAAAAY!!
But lots of school work to do the next couple of weeks :((
But I realized summer is only a month and a week away!!! OMG!!
Oh and I downloaded the new Blue October CD on iTunes, it is great! I cannot get enough of that band!

Things seem so weird to me lately. I've been thinking about all the dreams and hopes I've had and how they've either gone away or changed. Part of it is because I didn't act upon my dreams as soon as possible. So I adjusted, then readjusted, then readjusted, etc. It makes me feel bad. Yet I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. Like, if I would have gone off to NY right after high school, I never would have met Marc. If I would have left my second year, I wouldn't have kept him. Eventually my plans had come down to going to UTSA to major in psychology and minor in film, then to CA to finish my film degree. Though, lately, I feel as if that plan is going to change. I mean, I'm still going to UTSA for sure and getting those degrees. But because I've been here so long I have gotten so close to my family. Not that is a bad thing, I love my family so much and am glad that I'm so close to them and don't lock myself in my room anymore. But I've become attached and kind of don't want to move. But I do. I want to get out and see the world and live in many different places! But I don't want to miss out on my family. I feel like I'm going to end up how I always dreaded; stuck here, without living to my fullest and possibly with a family. Ugh. It makes me shudder thinking about it. I know I can get out, I will have the opportunities. Again though, I'm kind of sad and depressed when I think about leaving my family. Sigh. Time will tell. Again, everything happens for a reason. God has his plan for me and whatever it is will be for the best.

I spent Mon through Fri in Missouri. Well, driving Mon and Fri. It was a well worth it trip. I love my grandparents so much and I love seeing them. Plus there was the excitement of them meeting Marc. They loved him. Sigh. I really do wish I could have spent more time there! We went through old pictures and told stories and the like. They seem so young to me, but fact is they are 74 and 76 now. We played games and had many laughs. We went out together and stayed in together. We did a lot in the few days we were there but they went by so fast. I hope to go back this summer.

I got accepted to UTSA. I will be officially moving to San Antonio this summer. Not only that, I will be moving in with Marc. I am very ready for that step. He has become so important to me. He's my boyfriend and my best friend.

Things seem like they are on this huge road of change right now. All these plans I hear from friends about their futures. So many people I went to school with are engaged, married, having kids. It seems so crazy. I'm not sure how I feel about it completely. I mean I'm excited to move on with life. But I'm sad to soon say bye to many friends. Also talk of marriage and babies seems to be a popular topic whether I'm involved or not and to be honest, I'm not too comfortable with it. Anyway. I just want the next 3 years to whiz by. I just want to get my degree out of the way and really start life.

I feel like there is so much running through my head and I don't even begin to know how to convey it.

I'm getting pretty stressed out. A lot of it sunk in today.
1. I'm a bit behind on my homework, I'm lucky my teacher postponed it but I have a lot of stuff I need to do.
2. My mom got laid off and isn't sure what she is going to do. She helps pay the bills so I'm concerned.
3. I keep watching my bank account go down and I have to keep taking off work.
4. My grandma was just in the hospital. It wasn't serious but I can't help but worry.
5. I have a temporary crown on and 1. I have to eat on the opposite side than normal and that is uncomfortable 2. I'm scared it's going to come out

I think that's everything.

Luckily I got to hang out with Sarah today and that distracted me.

I can't believe I forgot to post about this...

so that Thur when Celeste was dying my hair my mom called because my grandma was in the hospital with chest pains. They let her out and said it was normal blockage, the kind everyone has. I've been wanting to go visit her for awhile and I almost called her that day, odd enough. So for spring break my mom and I (and hopefully Marc) are going to visit my grandparents.

Other than that lately, school and work as far as I can remember.

So tired.

Bleh.

It feels like so much has gone on since I last updated! But it really hasn't been all that long and I really haven't done all that much...

Fri the 13th (oooo) we went out for Nicks birthday. It was kind of slow at first. It started with drinks and then dinner at Amerigos. Then to the Pour House for more drinking. Well, for everyone else...not me. lol. There was so much more to the night but meh, I don't feel like going into all the details.

Sat was Valentines and Marc and I went to Body Worlds. It was amazing and awesome and I loved it.

Tues I think it was I had dinner with Sarah. That was fun. But now I am sad because she is gone for the next week :(

Thur I had Celeste redye my hair. It's awesome and red and black. I ended up staying over there all day pretty much. It was a lot of fun and I want to hang out there more!

Fri I meant to clean but instead moped around all day because I miss Marc :(

Today I had dinner at Nick and Ambers with mom and Doug. It was alright. They invited me to come over anytime and I think I may take them up on that. Free food and family!

I finally sent in my application for transfer to UTSA.

The Oscars tonight made me sooooo excited to be in the field of film! (even if it won't be another 5 years until I'm there)

It's going to take 3 years to graduate from UTSA to get both of my degrees! T-T

I'm excited to move in with Marc now.

I'm getting closer and closer with my family. I love it but now I'm about to move away...then move away even further...

Oh yeah and I hung out with Sandra at borders on Sat. It was fun and I was happy to catch up.

Hopefully that covers it all...

Mostly school and work and school and work, etc. Bleh. It's not bad, just not terribly exciting either. I am enjoying my classes. I wish I could say the same for work. But it's not too bad. Just slow and boring.
There was one day spent with Sarah where we went on an adventure. lol. XD
Oh and I got more dental surgery, another tooth removed. Now I just need to go to the dentist a few times for some other tooth stuff and a night guard since my jaw is hurting really, really bad. Then to an orthodontist for braces. woo.

The past 2 weekend Marc has come to town. Last weekend we went and saw Coraline. I loved it! It was really good, I am really impressed with it.
Sunday was spent with my family. OMG so many questions about Marc and I and lots of comments on me having children! x_x ugh.

Fri we are celebrating Nicks birthday. Sat is Valentines and Marc and I are going to Body Worlds. hehe.

As much as I love my classes, I hate the time crunch in between Psyc and Philosophy. One is over at the university center and the other on the actual campus. It's about a 15 min walk if I just walk. I can make it in 10 if I hurry. I only have 10 mins to make it. I really strained my shins from hurrying yesterday. They've been hurting like hell all day x_x I was going to finally clean today but I preferred sitting. I'm not looking forward to work. Ugh. I've never had my shins hurt so much before.

I really want to get around to completely cleaning my apartment. I've been saying I would for two weeks now and have yet to do it. I tend to distract myself with other things. When I'm in the mood to clean it's either really late or right before I need to be somewhere. I think I may just stay up late on of these times and get it done. It needs to be done.
I also want to start eating a bit healthier. But first I need to clean! Then to the grocery store to get yummy fruits and veggies I can steam.

Other than that not much else going on. I'm excited for this weekend because I feel like I have a good bit of open time and I get to see Sarah.

Oh, I got to hang out with Santi and Kyra yesterday which was nice because I hadn't seen them in awhile.

I will consider this a very good week considering I'm seeing friends and my classes are going well. Who cares if I'm in pain? Lol.

All weekend was spent working and doing homework. Bleh. Well, work anyway. I like my homework. lol. I know that sounds odd, and what makes it worse is it is human sexuality homework. I can't get enough of it. I've read ahead in my book. lol.

Today I had a gynecology appointment. I was really nervous at first but it was no big deal! So much better than my last one. This time I went to see a girl. She was so friendly and made me feel so comfortable. It all went by so quick! Everything is doing good. I'm just back on birth control now. This stuff will hopefully be better.

I seem to never get around to this anymore. Though I would like to keep up with my own life. It just doesn't seem possible anymore. I've never felt so scatterbrained (wow, that's really a word). It all started last semester when I started to feel like I just had too much on my plate. Everything just began to get mixed together and I just couldn't keep up with anything anymore. Even though I'm not quite so busy anymore, it has stuck. I feel like anytime I am about to finally organize myself, I just instead sit and do nothing. Anyway...

The break was great. Mostly because I hated last semester and the break was nice. Not that everything about the break was so great. We will start with the good though. I got and gave some amazing gifts this year! I love all my new shoes my mom got me :O And the beautiful picture frame from Sarah with a great picture inside X3 And the HUGE tNBC framed poster from Marc. And all the cute Hello Kitty items. Oh and these really great socks. Plus I think people really enjoyed the gifts I gave. The downside to this, my bank account looks so sad T-T I realize my mom pays for a lot, and I am spoiled...but I still hate paying for as much as I do sometimes. I kind of hate the middle ground more. Forgive me, tangents are going to go on because there is just so much going on and so much in my head. I wish I'd either be dependent or independent...not that I could be independent. But I really wish I could. But I also wish I could hide in my room at my moms house that once existed forever. I like having a lot going on, but I feel like I have way too much to handle. Anyway...back on topic...umm...oh! Another good thing, seeing friends. It is refreshing seeing those faces. Unfortunately, some more than others. Like Sarah, I wouldn't say we hung out a lot, but it was more than it was all semester, and I had lots of fun with her. I always do. I thought it'd be wonderful seeing Sandra...and it was. But I feel like her and I are growing apart. I hate that something like this is happening, but it happens I guess. I also got to spend a lot of time with Marc, which is always nice. But every time we split to our own separate lives, things tend to get a bit rough.

I almost got my next tattoo...twice. But the first time Marc and I got into a fight and then I didn't feel much like going. Who wants that kind of memory when you got to get something permanent? I sure don't. Then the next time I ended up getting sick. I'm still kind of getting over it. It was a cold/sinus thing. Bleh. I didn't really want a needle near me when I'm sneezing and coughing. Plus the chance of more infection, I don't think so. Soon though hopefully. I have so many plans for tattoo and I don't want to wait for them. lol. I know, I'm crazy. I feel like being crazy a lot lately...get it out of my system.

So far this semester I LOVE my classes! Mon and Wed I have my yoga class again. Can't go wrong there. I feel more confident in there now since I know what I'm doing and most people are new. But the class is big and I feel a tad crowded in there. But I'm still excited. Tues and Thur start with my new psyc class, human sexuality! I know, it sounds a bit taboo, but I can't wait to get all these myths confirmed and learn more about relationships. So far I've found the class fascinating and pay close attention. lol. I feel like I never really got a good sex ed...and so far I've learned in this class, most people didn't. lol. Next I have philosophy. Something I never thought I'd be good in. I think the first month will be easy because it's the basics and history. Plus my teacher is awesome, he's young, has a small, braided beard, and a mohawk (though he has yet to wear it up). He is real casual and down to earth and likes us to call him Tim. lol. Plus Matt from theatre class semester is in there, so it makes me feel a bit more comfortable. The old guy in the back asks WAY to many questions though. Bleh. Last is my Film class. I'm excited to educate myself on films and learn to watch for fun, but also learn to watch and know why a movie is good or not good!

I have a gyno appointment on Mon T-T my first real one. I've been having some issues with irregularity with my menstruation. I don't think there will have to be any actual looking down there, I hope not. We will see. I'm still feeling quite shy about it though.

I need to get to work on these dental appointments, I'm WAY behind and I really want to get all of it out of the way and finally have perfect teeth D:

I turned on the radio for the first time the other day...I must say, there is some good music on. I am shocked. Mostly there is a new Blue October song on and the new CD comes out in March!! Yay!

I talked to Phil for the first time in a long time the other day. It's always nice catching up and knowing he is doing well and what he has been up to. He was telling me about astrology and got me really into it! I could go on for a long time about it, but I won't.

I feel like I'm stuck at this point in my life where I don't know what to do. Not in the sense that I really don't know, but I know a LOT of things I want to do, but I know I cannot do them all! So how do I pick?? I have a passion in many things, and a strong like in many! If it were up to me I would be a traveling movie director who teaches yoga on the side and my movies are psychological thrillers about sex! Haha. What I mean is I (of course) really want to travel the world, I want to be a movie director, I want to be a psychologist (mostly specializing in bipolar, autism, insomnia, depression, and anxiety), and be a sexpert(or sexologist(what I told you I love the class!)). Plus I want to be covered in tattoos, have an awesome hairstyle and wardrobe. Haha. Crazy dreams and ambitions, right?

Right now the plan is to go to UTSA (San An) next year and major in psychology with a minor in film. Then onto UCLA (Cali) for my BA in film. I'm not so sure about the moving to San An thing just yet though. Mostly because I would probably be living with Marc and I'm not so sure I am ready for that. Sure, we get along great when we are together for the most part, but have issues when we are apart and I think we should be good on both parts. One concern about our entire future together is sometimes I feel as if we want to live completely different lifestyles. Sure, he says he will go along with whatever I want to do (which I love). But I am concerned he won't REALLY be happy with that, even if I get the "as long as I'm with you, I'm happy" That concept just doesn't seem possible to me! Sigh.

So much going on. I just don't know where to start. Mostly I'm going to work on getting through this semester. Hopefully get some dental work done. And finally nip this menstrual problem in the butt. lol. And get a couple tattoos on the way. I'm kind of just taking things as they come right now. But I don't feel comfortable with that. I love having plans. Yet I've gotten tired of making plans because it seems like they always fail. Remember going to school in NY? GONE. Remember my theatre degree? GONE. I really just want someone to point me in the right direction! UGH. I know I was warned that this part of life would be hard but UGH. I feel like so many people I know are better off than me because they are on that route that I missed out on. Whatever.
We will just see what happens I guess...

On a happy note:
I've enjoyed Christmas shopping and am almost done! Yay!! I hope everyone loves what I got them. I know most of my gifts people should...I'm not so sure about Sarahs...but I'm sure she will, even if it seems a bit weird XDD
I can't wait to give everyone their gifts...not because of the gifts but because I get to see them!! I miss all of my friends so much!

Not so good note:
I'm sick of the sbux I work at. We had a Christmas party with the whole store. I've already been getting more and more pissed at everyone for the past two weeks, and the party didn't make me feel much better. It feels like high school all over again, but worse! Because this time I have no friends and no groups to feel comfortable in. Everyone seems to group together and sometimes make fun of me, they say they are kidding...but I don't believe them. I get the feeling they all talk behind my back. I didn't want to go to the party alone and Marc couldn't make it, so I invited Sandra. She got the same feeling without me saying anything, so I know I'm not crazy! We did secret santa, and odd thing is, who I got, got me as well. He put NO effort into the gift, he got someone else from the store to get it for him. I already hate secret santa because it feels so forced, but that kind of made me feel like crap. Whatever.


Other stuff:

This has been a rough semester and I am SOOOO glad it's over. It wasn't just school that was horrible, it was everything! My classes were pretty rough this semester and kept me pretty busy, though I managed to still procrastinate. Between that and work I was kept really busy though, meaning I saw little of my family and even less of my friends. It felt really hard to just make it through some days :( I did make a few new friends, not that I ever hung out with them outside of class really. And don't worry, they are no where near as cool as my current friends. First, there is Chelsea. She was in my govt class. She's into Japanese stuff, Renn Fair, and can crochet like no ones business. I think we will keep in contact. There is also Matt, from theatre. He's cool but I get the feeling we won't keep in touch. Anyway, I also learned who some of my true friends are. I've just come to realized who doesn't care and who does. So many people just feel so fake to me, like my coworkers. It's really disappointing. I'm not the most social person, but I do connect to people and tend to get closed quick and to just be pushed aside is really hard to take. Especially when it feels like it is all at once. I'm glad to have my true friends though. But at the same time, I even feel like some of them are more distant than they use to be. Some is because of themselves, but there are a couple I have distanced myself from. For that I feel really bad. Sigh. Marc and I are always on a rollercoaster and both take it really hard and over react when there is a problem. So when it's bad, it's really bad. But we also have our really good moments. I'm never quite sure where we are at, where I want to be at, where we are going, and what I really want out of this relationship. I love him so much and I can't at this moment picture my life without him, and this much I know. Then I have another friend who slips in and out of the picture constantly. They let me know they still care and then disappear. All this stuff with all of my friends and "friends" has been so much. I'm also stuck with all these life decisions right now and I really wish someone could just tell me the answer. I want to know so bad what the right thing to do is because I really don't feel like wasting my time. I think I know what I want to do, but it would involve moving back in with Marc and in all honesty, I'm not sure I want to do that just yet. This semester I've been really depressed and my anxiety has been at an all time high. Now that schools out I find myself sleeping a lot because I'm just so worn out. But I'm still here and I'm still alive and still moving on. I'm hoping everything is going to go a little up hill from here, I could use that.

I've been wanting to update really bad for the past week and now I'm finally getting around to it. This isn't just one of my regular entries I've had lately, I'm finally going to share some emotions and plans and the stresses I've had as of late.

If I haven't yet mentioned it, I've wanted to change my major from theatre to film. I realize I've never had anything to do with film, but movies intrigue me more than what I think normal and I just crave being behind the scenes. I just have this feeling it's where I need to be. I have this want to do it so bad. Don't get me wrong, I love theatre and can talk your ear off about it still but I just don't feel as if it's where I belong. Not that I'd mind doing it.
In order to do film I'd have to either A. Go to a Columbia community college in Maryland to get my associates then to get my bachelors I'd have to go to University of California at Los Angeles or b. go to Los Angeles City College and then UCLA. B would be the more likely and reasonable choice. Going to CA would be really expensive, I cannot afford it and my mom isn't so sure she can either.
I've thought about possibly going to University of Texas at San Antonio to get a psychology degree and then moving on from there. It would mean I could get a real job and support the rest of my way through college. Not that I'm relying on this, but Marc would have also graduated already and be able to help me as well.
I hate to put my dreams on hold. It feels as if there is some excuse to keep pushing me further and further from them. It makes me feel as if they will never be reached. I'm scared that I'm going to end up in some simple, boring life. That's nice and all, but it's not what I want. Don't get me wrong, I love psychology. I'm good at it, it makes sense, and I'd love to help people. It's just not what I really want to do. I'm afraid it'd also make me be stuck here. Not that here is oh so horrible like I will sometimes claim, but again, it's not where I want to be. Heck, CA isn't where I want to be. I want to live in the north east. I still want to live in NY. I might be more willing to settle for CA than TX though.
It's just a big decision right now, choosing to do psychology then film or straight to film. I must say I hate it too when people tell my the psychology route is a good one because it is safe and film is a risky business. I know that. But at the same time I believe film isn't as risky as people believe, but I could be wrong.
I just feel like I'm at the point to make really big life decisions and it's just really, really hard. Going to CA means I leave my friends, Marc, and family behind. Not that I won't talk to everyone constantly and visit when I'm home, but it's going to be awfully lonely there. At the same time I feel like I need that step of independence. I'm afraid I'm becoming to reliant on some of the people in my life.
Also, if I got to UTSA that is a big step for Marc and I. I would be living with him to lessen expenses. If that happens I have to know we are in it for good, that we are stable. We've been together for over a year a now and I want to know what it's not all going to go to waste. Not that it hasn't been great so far, but if I move there and something happens it would be disastrous.
We actually had a pretty big fight yesterday. It's interesting...when we are good, we are really, really good and I think he's perfect, but when we fight it is absolutely horrible and I question if we can really make it or not. Sometimes I truely think he is the one, but other times I question that. It is just too soon to tell I suppose, but I wish I could have that answered before I move in and make that big step.
I've talked to my mom about it some, I wish I could talk to her about it more. I just choke up sometimes when I talk to her and I don't know why. I would like to know her thoughts so bad but I just can't bring myself to talk to her about such serious thing sometimes. I don't know why and I hate it.
I would like to talk to other about it, but I'm not sure who. I mean, I'm willing to talk to all my friends about it and would love to hear their feedback. But I'm curious as to has the answers I'm waiting to hear.

This past semester has been really hard on me. Classes have been harder than ever, but I'm feeling better about that thinking I'm finally going to make it through. I found out I might can pull of a B in government and that seems amazing. I also have been really busy with school and work, which has kept me from friends and family. When I do have free time, it has gone to my family first, and I hate to admit it to my friends, but my next free time has gone to Marc, and then my friends. I miss all my friends so much. They really are what hold me together sometimes and I think that's a good reason this semester has been so hard. I have made a couple of new friends at school, not quite good enough to hang out with outside of school or share personal info with or anything. I really have been depressed for at least the past 3 months. My anxiety has also gotten really bad. For both I have my good day, but I also have my bad and really bad days. All of it has just really taken a toll on me. But I think I've managed to keep a fairly decent attitude through it all.
I'm just hoping everything gets better next semester.

Sigh, I really just don't know what to do.

It's mostly funny because green is my favourite colour.

I'd love to update with more, there is quite a bit. But I just got off work and am really, really tired. *yawn* When I have time...which might be awhile. lol.

Thurs:

Went over to Marcs parents house to eat dinner and celebrate his birthday. It was fun. I feel bad that I'm always so quiet around his parents. I don't know why but I just freeze up x_X


Fri:

First Marc had a chiropractor appointment..which gave me time to play some Mario Kart on my DS. I love it XD
Then we ate lunch with his parents, we went out to a Vietnamese/Chinese mix restaurant. It was...not good. Everything tasted really sweet to me and all I had was won ton soup and fried rice. lol.
After that Marc and I went shopping at the mall with some of his birthday money. He got some pretty cool new clothes and we picked up Celestes bday presents. Then we met up with his mom at Kohls for some more shopping.
That night Marc and I just relaxed and watched movies.


Sat:

Spent most of the day just lazing around. lol. That night we went out for Celestes bday. It was sadly pretty boring, for me anyway, everyone else enjoyed it...but they were all drinking. First we went to Amerigos and just had some appetizers. Then my mom had heard of this place called The Pour House, she wanted to go because of the karaoke. It was a very dirty bar x_x Everyone else was fine with it...I just sat there feeling pretty bored and miserable most of the time.


Sun:

Back to work. Bleh. I really don't think my manager likes me. She's cut my hours way down and everyone else has like 30 or more. :/ The holidays are here and I need money! If I'm correct, I don't know what I did to make her hate me so much.


Everything just feels pretty sucky right now. I just want to finish this semester. I want to finish next semester. I want to finally be working towards my major. I want to be in a state other than this one!

I hadn't really been feeling good all semester. I'd gotten to the point where I was really, really tired everyday and slept a lot. Tues night my throat got really sore, so I quickly went to the doctor on Wednesday. Luckily it wasn't strep! Just tonsillitis. When I was there they gave me a steroid shot. OMG I feel great XD That plus the medicine. Oh man what a difference. I actually barely even slept last night and I haven't felt tired all day. It's crazy. I love how great I feel. :D

I finally sent in my Oni-con pre reg.

The holidays at work suck so much nut T-T

School is almost over! I am so excited...but there's so much to get done before the end of the semester! D:
Next semester I am taking Yoga(again. I just love it), Film, Human Sexuality, and Philosophy.

Tomorrow is Marc's b-day and Saturday is Celestes. Marc is almost into town now. We're going to eat dinner at his parents. Tomorrow he has a chiropractor appointment then we're going shopping. Then hopefully to the secret b-day surprise I have for him (which I will mention later) unless the people never contact me about my reservations :[ Luckily I have a back up plan. Saturday night we are going to Amerigos (a piano bar/restaurant) then out to somewhere to dance to Celestes bday.

OMG having energy is wonderful! I hope it sticks around for at least the remainder of the semester.

Its been so long x_x and I should have a million things to say but I just don't feel like writing about everything :[ I feel awful for not keeping up with this. My journal is pretty important to me. Anyway, we'll touch on the basics...

KACTF: or something along those lines...um. It was the theatre festival. It was kind of a waste of my time in all honesty. Our show sucked, everything that could have went wrong, did. I got hit on my random guys at a party I didn't want to be at. I missed a lot at school and got behind. I got really sick on the last day. Social situations make me anxious so my anxiety was super high for a week and it wasn't worth it. Some of the shows were really good though. I'm glad I got to see Sam Houstons and LSC-North Harris. Those were amazing shows.

Halloween: I got to hang out with Sarah! Yay! We haven't hung out in forever. I haven't hung out with anyone in forever x_x I was Hello Kitty and she was Mana X3 We walked around the mall, ate sushi and saw a really bad movie.

Marc and I: We had a bit of a rough patch before Disney. Then Disney was good. Then another really rough patch. But now things are good. He came into town the day after Halloween. Can you believe we've been together for a year?? A whole year of my life spent with someone else. It's crazy. But I'm happy. I miss him a lot, long distance is hard for the both of us.

School: So I fell a bit behind. And I'm hating school. 5 class...never again. I can still manage to pull off a C in Govt. if I do really well. I'm not sure where I stand in Huma. but it can't be too good... I've decided I'm really not cut out for school and I really don't like it. I'm going to tough it out through at least another semester though. Then I'm not sure. I still really want a degree so we'll see what happens.

Medical & Dental: I have yet to go back to the dentist but I plan to asap. I'm still hoping for braces by the end of Feb! I haven't been feeling too well lately. I'm not really sure what's wrong..if it's really medical or in my head or what. I am going to get blood work on Monday just to see if anything is up. Oh! So I've had the problem of not having my period...I was back when I was on birth control but I haven't had my period naturally in well over a year and I got it today! Just randomly...it's exciting because it makes me feel normal and that there is nothing wrong with me...but now that I know that it can go away. lol. It's making me feel even more sick x_x

Work: I'm beginning to not care for work too much. I feel like my coworkers don't like me. It's hard to work in an environment like that. It's also been pretty boring lately. I know the holidays are coming up and that'll change everything..woo. (note sarcasm). But the money and benefits are nice. So I will continue to tough that out too.


All in all: I haven't been feeling too good. I've been pretty depressed all semester and I feel as if my anxiety just gets worse and worse and it's miserable. I want things to change or to get away or something.

Friday:

Woke up at like 6:30 in the morning. Got ready. Got coffee. XD Then off to the airport. Parked my car at one of the special lots and got a shuttle to the airport. I was so excited for Marc because last time he was on an airplane he was too young to remember. We had a bit of a wait since we got there early though. Once we were on the plane there was a delay due to maintenance x_x ugh. We were almost late to our connecting flight in Dallas to LA. We arrived just in time. Then off to LA! Zomg we saw Mountains! I don't recall ever seeing mountains like that before!

We went outside and sat and waited on our bus. The weather there is so nice! Warm, breezey, no humidity!! It was about an hour long ride to Anaheim. Our hotel was right next to the parks though! Disneyland had like this whole big area to themselves. Once we got settled in our room we walked through Downtown Disney and checked out the shops. There was a Lego shop with all kinds of neat lego things to buy and giant lego sculptures! We checked out a few more stores then into Disneyland we went.

It was pretty dark by then, which was nice, seeing everything lit up. Mostly because of the Halloween theme everywhere! At the entrance there we giant faces of characters made out of pumpkins. It was awesome! Then we walk in and then main building up front is covered in lights. And theres a figure of Tinker Bell blowing dust onto a Mickey head on the ground, it was all lit up. Once we got through the crowd for the parade we made our way over to the Haunted Mansion, where tNBC ride was. The wait was about 45 mins but so worth it! It was all so magical and creepy looking out there!
Once inside you enter the elevator. The lights go dark and the pictures on the wall grow (making you look like you're moving)(all pics tNBC themed of course). Then at the top a giant Jack head lights up! I was just staring in awe! Then you walk down this hallway with changing pictures. Then you hop into this moving seat. First you see some presents with "Seasons Screamings" written on the tag X3 omg. I'm just going to have to post pictures, there's too much to type about this amazing ride!
After that it was back to Downtown Disney for dinner.


We got up really early the next morning. Got some coffee. Then back into the Disneyland park. We rode the Haunted Mansion 2 more times XDD Then the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. It was okay. The the Peter Pan ride. OMG it was so amazing! You saw different scenes from the movie and it was so detailed! The best part was flying over this replica of London. It was beautiful! After that we went on Mr.Toads wild ride. It was amusing. You never knew exactly where you'd turn! Then we rode the tea cups and then an Alice in Wonderland ride that just took you through things in the movie. It was neat! We went on the Matador. It was a bobsled sort of roller coaster. It was pretty cool. Hmmm...I'm not sure we did anything else at the Disneyland park. We then went and ate lunch. Then to Disneys California Adventure. In the front of the park was written "CALIFORNIA" in candy corn colours! In the front theres a replica of the Golden Gate bridge. We walked around the Hollywood backlot area. Um. There was a candy corn field XD There were just all sorts of neat sights. We rode the Tower of Terror. OMG I WAS SO SCARED! Even in the picture you can see me hiding my face. D: Space Mountain was so freaking awesome though!!! It's a roller coaster completely in the dark and it looks like there are stars all around you. omg is was so beautiful and fun! We saw The Muppets in 3D. It was soooo cool! It really felt like it was right in front of you! There were some muppets in the theatre for real. When there was water they sprinkled you. When there were bubbles, there were really bubbles. It was amazing! We went over the the Pier and rode some of the carnival sorts of rides, carosel, swings, etc. Finally we rode the California Screaming...or Screaming California..I can't remember. Wow. Best roller coaster ever! It was fun and exciting, but not scary! I actually threw my hands up in the air! At first they count you down and you go shooting forward, and then shooting up and then back down. Twists and turns and a loop and more ups and downs! Wow. Freaking awesome!

We were beat by then. Back to the room where we ordered a pizza and napped for 2 hours then got back up because the only flight we could get was at 6 am and the only shuttle was at 3 am x_x DEATH. I slept as much as I could on the way home.

I got a new hat, tNBC themed, with Jack on it. I got an Oogie Boogie plushie X3 a Jack coffee mug and a new tNBC pin for my Starbucks hat. I also bought Marc a Jack cap and my mom a Lady and the Tramp figure and a Tigger cup. Marc got me the cutest Eeyore plushie ever!! I wish I had more money to buy more gifts D: There was so much cool stuff there! I loved it! I can't wait to post pictures! Marc has them though and needs to send them to me!


Tomorrow I'm off to a theatre thing. I'll be back on Friday.


I miss all my friends so much!! I've been to busy to hang out with Sarah! Today was Sandras birthday and I wish I could have been there. I don't hear from Santi much. :[ Hopefully school will slow down soon.